Why hubby now pays the bills
My husband does not give a flying fuck about the dust on top of fridge.
Considering it is practically at his eye-level, it perplexes me that he can know it is there, but it would never occur to him to clean it without explicit instructions from lil Shortty over here. I have a very high tolerance for mess, so perhaps we are the same that way!
When it comes to our little domestic world, we have vastly different care-factors. He will pause our conversation until he works out how to make the PC fan not quite as loud. I will pull out all the food from the pantry, clean and then devise a plan to masterchef the shit out of the edamame bean linguine and can of tuna tucked away in the back corner.
We also have very different waking hours. I’m more of a 6.30am til 10.30pm daylight dweller, whereas hubby is a 1pm til 3am creature of the night when left to his own devices. There are just some things that make sense to do during the day, like hanging washing on the line. And taking the garbage out is more suited to a night owl. You might start to see some logistics issues in our coupledom. There are!
Here is the big one.
I feel, very very often, like I am all alone.
This is the most difficult, but easily turn-aroundable feeling I live with.
Because, as my journal-writing (read: venting) eventually led me to understand, hubby and I have such different perceptions of household contribution and preferred ways of giving.
Such a bloody relief when I worked this out!
You see, I put care into everything I do.
I love to create experiences and I love making people feel really good! I love to feed. I love to create space and make things shiny and beautiful and feel like a holiday. I always think about how to make the future even better. And even with my own blind-spots (cos we all have ‘em), I feel like I see everything at once, and it can be overwhelming. This is my pattern of domestic contribution. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, rearranging, planning/making bookings, organising & gardening. Most these tasks take a fair bit of time. And this is why I can feel like I pull all the weight. But that is not true.
How Mr Shortt contributes?
My honey-bear hubby seems to more readily contribute in ways that require skill, or strength, or specialised knowledge, many of which can be done quite quickly, without impinging on his sleep or violent gaming time! He is the one who can expertly administer our dog’s eye ointment. He keeps an eye out for technical mishaps or those waiting to happen, like making sure my laptop can breathe and keeping all batteries charged. He unplugged the gas heater that was too tight for me to get out safely and he sharpens our knives more often than I would ever deem necessary (I probably wouldn’t EVER!). Did I mention the mega-gorgeous photos he takes at our family gatherings?
After considering our favourite or go-to ways of contributing, clever, post-journal-writing me had the bright idea to start working with what was natural to us, instead of feeling resentful that everything is up to me.
One action?
Turning bill-paying over to Dan. We have a joint account for bills, but for 11 years I have been the one logging in and doing the transfers (some of which are now automated), but I can see that this is more of a Dan job and less of a me job. Sure, it doesn’t require skill or strength, but it’s quick and easy to do, and doesn’t involve ‘making places beautiful’ or thinking about the future too much, which are more my things.
This is so small, but it represents a bigger idea, which is that we can’t resent people for not caring about the same things as us or for having different ways of contributing. In fact, diversity is good. We need it in communities, workplaces and relationships if we are going to excel.
When I work with couples or individuals looking for greater balance, we always look at values, love languages and default experience of time. I still find that work illuminating for myself, and it took a huge weight off my shoulders today.
Have you ever had this feeling of frustration with a partner or colleague when you are convinced you are doing waaay more? Feel free to share in the comments. Can you see another way of looking at this?
And if you want some help with life-design, something I jump out of bed for, book in your first strategy session with me by the end of October for a special experience at an exclusive rate. This is exclusive to email-subscribers, so subscribe below and I’ll send you the details.
Enjoy this new perspective, loves, and if you are so inclined, cut your partner some slack!
xxx