Cutting the Line (what happened to a 'nice girl')

A couple of years ago, around the time I felt like super-coach and that life couldn’t be better, I arrived at 7.50am outside the doctor’s surgery as a Sunday walk-in client. There were a few people there already, sitting on the doorstep and leaning against the gumtrees and their cars. There was no queue, and when the surgery doors finally opened, we civilly arranged ourselves in a line from first arrived to last arrived.

With three people in front of me waiting to register, I received a tap on the shoulder from a bob-cut, teacher-voiced woman who said imploringly:

‘I’m sorry but I can’t not say anything and I’ve been holding off. This man was ahead of you and you’ve pushed in.’

I immediately apologised to the man and told him to go ahead and said no problem.

I’m the queen of chill.

Or am I?

When I sat on the waiting room chair, I was feeling all the things and decidedly unchill.

I was angry at the woman because her tone was patronising and because she acted like I had known I pushed in.

I was upset with myself for not being perceptive enough to keep tabs on all the people and their order.

I was ashamed that a line full of people might have thought me to be an inconsiderate pusher-in-er.

And I fucking cried.

Convulsing.

Causing a tiny scene.

The woman who spoke to me came over to offer comfort. I liked and respected her. She was a leader, a vigilante, had a big heart (all qualities of the people I coach) and obviously has been taught to assert herself.

She couldn’t have known that a reckless line-cutter could have gotten so upset.

That little episode reminded me of the shadow-self I live with everyday. The part that I never want to acknowledge or live into. It also revealed to me my deepest beliefs.

I’ve always been the nice girl.

The do-gooder.

The put-other-people-before-myself type (even when I don’t believe I am!)

The girl who used to cry when she stepped on an ant.

The kind of girl who lets people go first and says ‘I’ll be fine… It means more to them than it does to me’.

I found my shadow self too.

I wanted to make that woman feel bad for making me feel bad, despite the genuine tears. I don’t identify with hurting people, which makes this shadow so much darker. I only discovered it in the very vulnerable place of a doctor’s waiting room.

What confronted me the most is the beliefs that were reinforced by what I thought of the woman.

Imagine my whole body viscerally reacting to something I think I believe in- speaking up for the greater good? Here is the subtext of my reaction to her:

Don’t speak up. It hurts others.

If you put yourself out there, everyone will hate you.

Being a leader will make me look like a self-important bitch (what I thought of her for a minute).

And what about that big success sabotager?

It is wrong to get ahead.

Being first means cutting people off and hurting those who come second.

I know this used to mess with my head when competing in karate until I chose to believe that everyone became better when I performed as my winning self.

Imagine if I lived into those beliefs? I would never fulfil my life purpose of empowering others through visible leadership. And in an unexpected tantrum of sorts, I learnt that I will forever be practising leaning into the potential ‘danger’ of leadership, because I have to. I want to make a positive difference in my community and beyond, and it only works with me having the kind heart I was gifted with AND by willing to be that brazen woman who could speak her truth in public.

I’ll give you the PS. right now, which is that I don’t actually think that woman did anyone any favours by fending for a man who could have told me to step aside himself (or maybe he didn’t notice and didn’t care!). Well, she did do me a favour by revealing all my dormant beliefs and my shadow self!

If you want to learn about your shadow self, we do this in Module 4 of my self-esteem accelerator course, which comes with personalised coaching for a limited time.

Shadow work can really shake-up how you see yourself, but self-knowledge and acceptance comes before the most powerful transformations.

If you notice any parts of you or even others that you want to disown, you can gently say to yourself,

‘I see you shadow self, I am happy to walk with you and listen to the lessons you teach me’.

And you can always, hand-on-heart, state

‘I accept myself fully and completely. I am whole and I am pure love, now and forever.’

Remember sweet friend that you are perfectly human and it is what you choose to do in this life that counts. Lean into your goodness and your greatness, even when it is scary. It is part of the divine plan.

Love you.

xx